This Domestic Violence Awareness Month (DVAM), we’re spotlighting some of our incredible Survivor Leaders, former clients of Sanctuary who go through a 12-week training and certification course to prepare them to make system-wide change through advocacy, training, program development, and working directly with other survivors. 

Having a self-care practice while I was liberating myself from DV has been essential in my sanity, and the success of my and my child’s outcome. I often asked myself why didn’t I have this in place sooner, especially when I was still in the relationship with the abuser. It’s not until I had distance from him and the situation that I understood that I was in daily survival mode — there was no space to cultivate my stillness, awareness, and inner strength.  The following practices have not just helped me, but have really made all the difference, in who I am today. I can say that I’ve transcended the victim and survivor phases of trauma, and am now thriving.  I hope every person who has been a victim of any form of DV gets to this place within themselves and in their lives because they deserve to.

After being in survival mode for years, having my sympathetic nervous system activated non-stop, my nervous system needed a huge rest.  Any practice that revolves around stillness or slow-pace and body/mind awareness will help regulate the nervous system. For me, it was meditation.  Having at least 2 hours to myself daily to be still was essential. I meditated anywhere from 1-2 hours, for almost 2 years straight.  I never set a timer..I just got up when I was ready. I also experienced that “witnessing” during meditation that I’ve heard about from serious meditators and monks.  This was truly healing as I was able to view matters and people (including the abuser) from a higher, detached perspective.  The majority of my emotional healing has come from my meditation experiences. These sessions brought understanding and compassion to my life in extremely profound ways…in essence enlightenment.  I also allowed (and still do) myself to sleep-in whenever possible, and to have lazy-days.  If sleeping-in isn’t an option, then I get to bed super early like 8pm to get 10-12+ hours of sleep.  Your nervous system and entire body is healing during this time.  

The other practice is something that allows recording of reflections, and emptying of thoughts and feelings. I journaled as much as possible.  It’s a way to dump out raw thoughts and feelings to get out of my system without directing that energy onto anyone else. It’s also a great tool for reflecting. Journaling allows me to look back at entries to see how far I’ve come in my healing journey. I tend to also sleep better when I journal before bed. It’s a space to free up my mental and not take things into my sleep. I used to use notebooks, but that fills up quickly and where does one put tens of dozens of notebooks?! An app like Evernote or Apple Notes is great because it’s automatically dated, and you can search for key words or dates whenever you want to look back at older entries.  If journaling might not be your thing, recording voice notes is a great alternative.

“I can say that I’ve transcended the victim and survivor phases of trauma, and am now thriving. I hope every person who has been a victim of any form of DV gets to this place within themselves and in their lives because they deserve to.”

Both journaling and meditation are something I’ve done prior to experiencing DV, so it felt natural to use familiar tools — although there are numerous other practices that can offer the same support. And although I did these things intensely during this time period, I don’t at the moment need to sit daily nor for that length of time. I’m in a better place internally and externally, and am grateful that the biggest to smallest things were aligned for me to have and experience these practices during a critical time in my life; most especially throughout the family court case.  

The last thing I’d like to share isn’t a healing practice, although it may provide some relief with further abuse. While the custody and DV case was in family court, I wish I would’ve requested that any communication required with the abuser pertaining to our child be thru a communication app.  There are apps like OurFamilyWizard and TalkingParents that are created for this type of communication. Whereas text messages/emails can get a little tricky to gather and present as evidence, these apps don’t allow deletion or changes to the messages exchanged, so there can’t be any manipulation of context, and are widely accepted by courts as admissible evidence. I only found out about this years into the court case and didn’t occur to me then to request this even for the temporary OOP. The OOP petitioner may request communication clauses in an OOP, which I did since overnight visitations were granted between my child and the abuser. And he did abuse that access to me.  Since we now use the app, his written interactions with me have calmed down a lot because he knows this could be unquestionable admissible evidence.

Every person’s situation is different, and I recognize I had a certain privilege to be able to do have this type of time and physical space, but I encourage survivors to try however they can to create and make space for a self-care/healing practice because it can only be empowering. 

Join W.Y. in standing with survivors of gender violence. Your gift supports Sanctuary’s life-saving work with thousands of families escaping abuse.

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This Domestic Violence Awareness Month (DVAM), we’re spotlighting some of our incredible Survivor Leaders, former clients of Sanctuary who go through a 12-week training and certification course to prepare them to make system-wide change through advocacy, training, program development, and working directly with other survivors. 

Fellow Survivor Leader Jennifer Cortes sat down with Jessica to discuss her advocacy work and more. 

Survivor leadership is an essential aspect of Sanctuary’s work. Can you describe how survivor-led initiatives or programs have made a difference in the fight against domestic violence?

Survivor leadership is essentially valuing lived experience. Lived experience of gender-based violence is cultural expertise. Identifying as a survivor is part of my cultural identity. Furthermore, there are nuances to the survivor’s cultural identity that add vital expertise, for example being a first-generation immigrant, or an Afro-Latina. Gender identity can add to cultural expertise. Cultural identity is a complex thing: I am a first-generation immigrant who spent all of my adult years in West Harlem in little Santo Domingo far away from my home country’s culture. Cultural identity moves beyond race and country of origin. The bittersweet thing about intimate partner violence is that it cuts across all cultures, and the sweet thing is survivor leadership brings people together from all identities.

Survivor leadership harnesses lived experience and cultural expertise to make systemic change. Systemic change happens by giving survivors voices and telling them “you belong here”. That means recognition and remuneration of lived experience. This has been happening for years in substance abuse circles, where peer leadership has long been the norm and part of the treatment team. Trauma-informed care has not embraced peer leadership, and this needs to change. Stigmatization of survivors sadly remains strong. Survivors are not forever damaged. In fact, we have unique and transferable skills. Making space for us at the table alongside organizational leaders, board members, and decision makers is vital.

As survivor leaders at Sanctuary we pride ourselves on being present on the ground at grass roots events such as Brides March. We are inside the shelters face to face with survivors, inside courts supporting survivors. But, we are also in meetings discussing policy with board members who are hospital leaders, partners in big law, former judges, foundations, staff attorneys, and much more.

“The bittersweet thing about intimate partner violence is that it cuts across all cultures, and the sweet thing is survivor leadership brings people together from all identities.”

Can you tell me about some recent advocacy work you’ve been involved in, and which moments have been the most impactful to you?

Speaking at Denim Day in Foley Square was powerful for me. I discussed sexual assault in the setting of intimate partner violence, and I experienced the privilege so many are denied: being given a voice and feeling like my story matters. There are so many hidden stories out there and no one survivor story is more important than another.

How has your experience as a survivor influenced your approach to supporting others who have experienced gender violence?

There are not enough days in the week. Never enough time. That is why survivor leadership needs to be financially compensated so it may remain sustainable. Domestic violence is an everyone problem, not a survivor problem. Survivors are already weighed down by the retraumatization of going through systems. We need your support.

In your opinion, what are some of the most significant barriers or misconceptions that still exist when it comes to addressing domestic violence?

I am disheartened by some of the #narcissticabuse content I see on my social media feed recently. Some of the accounts are ran by “recovering narcissistic abusers”offering their past lives as abusers to school people. Or there are opportunists out there looking to make a buck from content on coercive control. They are predators with neither lived experience nor professional expertise in my opinion. I want to bring the conversation back to what is at the center of abuse and that is coercive control. Narcissism is in fact a difficult to diagnose personality disorder. When we focus on narcissistic traits, we move away from what is at the center of gender-based violence, and that is CONTROL. Additionally, I want to alert everyone that the best resource for dealing with intimate partner violence is a multidisciplinary organization that offers free services from a team of experts in the field. An example of this is Sanctuary for Families where there are family law attorneys, immigration attorneys, attorneys specializing in matrimonial law, and mental health therapists all of whom are licensed professionals. We also have a shelter and of course survivor leaders who are advocates. These are the real people doing the real work, who will tell it like it is and provide menu options to build a pathway to safety.

What are some ways that people can get involved or support survivors throughout DVAM and beyond?

Follow Sanctuary for Families on IG (@sffny)! Give the not-for-profits who have been doing the real work support. The mere act of following can help increase their online presence, which can contribute to their fundraising efforts. Follow #DVAM hashtags and post, talk and discuss coercive control/ domestic violence. Let’s remember to talk about the emotional and psychological abuse, not just the physical abuse. In my experience, emotional and psychological abuse leaves the deepest scars.

Is there a particular message or call to action you’d like to convey in honor of DVAM?

I want to draw attention to an awesome program I’ve been privileged to be part of as a survivor leader: trauma informed strength training, with Strength is MINE. Check them out on IG (@infostrengthismine).

Engaging in weightlifting within the traditionally masculine gym environment is a deeply ingrained and celebrated societal practice. In a landscape where patriarchy forms the foundational backdrop of gender-based violence, the powerful act of a survivor stepping into a gym, asserting their presence, and witnessing fellow gym-goers willingly adjust to accommodate their needs conveys a resounding message: “I belong here.” This experience holds immeasurable importance for oppressed survivors of gender violence. Furthermore, it is imperative to acknowledge that gender-based violence is a societal issue that extends far beyond the burden placed upon survivors; it is a pervasive problem that implicates everyone. Implementing trauma-informed therapies within commonplace community settings, such as fitness facilities, offers an appealing and easily accessible approach. The inclusion of survivor healing within everyday spaces, alongside the broader community, contributes to destigmatizing the survivor experience. Depicting survivors as exemplars of strength serves as a poignant reminder of their transformation from individuals previously perceived as damaged. This influences both survivors’ self-perception and the broader societal perspective.

I have particularly enjoyed my relationship with my strength-training coach (@ironstrongfit), who is a mentor: her energy personifies empowerment and kindness. For an hour I am fully present and connected with my body while feeling psychologically and physically safe. This is extremely powerful for me and has been equally as profound as attending talk therapy, if not more. I also want to shout out Ediva owner and instructor at GRIT boxing who has delivered trauma-informed boxing classes. We loved boxing with Ediva. Providing a trauma-informed space for survivors to experience a somatic intervention that addresses body connectedness is everything!

Support funding for further research to consolidate somatic interventions as primary therapies. Follow me on IG (@jmunozpsychotherapy) to learn more.

Join Jessica in standing with survivors of gender violence. Your gift supports Sanctuary’s life-saving work with thousands of families escaping abuse.

   Make a Gift  

This Domestic Violence Awareness Month (DVAM), we’re spotlighting some of our incredible Survivor Leaders, former clients of Sanctuary who go through a 12-week training and certification course to prepare them to make system-wide change through advocacy, training, program development, and working directly with other survivors. 

Fellow Survivor Leader Jessica Muñoz sat down with Jennifer to discuss her advocacy work and more. 

Can you tell me about some recent advocacy work you’ve been involved in, and which moments have been the most impactful to you?

The recent advocacy work I have been a part of was the FBI Employee Mental Health Fair and Brides March. The moments that have been most impactful to me were when I was in the fair, and I was educating a lady on Mental Health and learned that she wanted to give back to the community with her beauty services. I was a bit shocked because that’s one of the projects I was working on, and this was definitely an opportunity to work together to offer as much as possible to the community.

Another moment was in the Brides March when the family of the woman whom the March was dedicated to was speaking on how one should be able to leave a situation and not have it follow them. These words sent chills down my spine because it’s very true and it reminded me of my personal experience and what many survivors go through today.

Tell me about a time you felt beautiful? Can you link this to a moment in your healing and compare it to a time you did not feel beautiful?

When I was 15, I was in the Mac store with my mother, after school shopping. I was getting a makeover and when I looked in the mirror my self-esteem immediately rose and I felt so beautiful. I didn’t feel scared anymore to go to high school and deal with bullying. It felt like a shield like I can face anything. Before this moment, I always felt subconscious about myself because of the bullying I would go through in middle school. Now till this day I use beauty as a way to take my power back and reinvent myself.

 You work in the beauty industry. Do you think the beauty salon is a good environment to discuss intimate partner violence?

I think it is because beauty is a form of healing. If you have a beauty professional that you trust it can be a moment to open up and the beauty professional could seek resources to give. Beauty professionals often see signs of abuse with marks on the body and missing spots of hair. It would be better if all beauty professionals got trained on domestic violence and how to handle it in a matter that keeps the clients, the staff and the salon safe.

Check out Jennifer’s beauty business on Instagram at @lashodite. 

Do you like the idea of bringing advocacy to the beauty salon, and in your opinion, what is the best way to connect with someone? Just to begin a conversation and let the client talk as you do their lashes? How do you make someone feel comfortable talking to you?

Yes, I like the idea of advocacy in a beauty salon. The best way to connect with someone is making them feel comfortable first by asking them about their day and if they are comfortable in the chair and then giving them the space to ask you questions and talk about what’s on their mind. I always smile and be kind. I believe that clients read my energy and feel safe around me.

As a bilingual Latina woman can you tell me what we should be doing to reach our Spanish speakers in this city and let them know about options they have to overcome gender-based violence?

I think it’s important to team up with Spanish-speaking advocates who can share the resources that are needed for domestic violence and translate any resources that are not in Spanish (internet resources).

“La violencia de género es muy serio. Estoy en contra y creo que es importante educar a todos sobre las señales, la historia, los daños que causa y los recursos disponibles.”

Has your identity as Puerto Rican woman affected how you might approach advocacy work? Do you think we’ve missed anything concerning catering to our Latine survivors?

It has affected me a bit because I know sometimes I try to give resources and sometimes the women are culturally house wives who are rarely alone so I have to do it in a moment when their significant other steps out or is busy. Sometimes they feel stuck because they have lived most of their lives with their significant other and make decisions with them. The best thing to do is have them memorize the number of the domestic violence hotline in an easy way at a safe time.

Overall in your option, what do people get wrong or think wrong when it comes to domestic violence?

People often believe that men do not get abused and that people choose their situation. Men have feelings and deserve respect. Education on domestic violence empowers you to see manipulation and abuse and allows you to seek help.

Have you enjoyed the experience of being a survivor leader and connecting with other survivor leaders? I ask this because I have so enjoyed going to advocacy events with you and getting to know you. 

I have enjoyed my experience and I know I will continue to enjoy it. I feel that my presence and the presence of my group have allowed us to educate and spread awareness. It has also allowed us to become stronger as one because we all give each other strength and support and when we work together we make change happen through our pain.

I really admired your writing in the narrative therapy workshop we did together as survivor leaders, can you tell me a little more about that experience and how it felt for you?

Narrative therapy helped me be more aware of how I perceive other people’s quotes and art and helped me be more open minded. Also, it showed me where I needed a bit more work and where I have healed.

Join Jennifer in standing with survivors of gender violence. Your gift supports Sanctuary’s life-saving work with thousands of families escaping abuse.

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