10 Ways to Help a Friend in an Abusive Relationship

Sanctuary for Families

Many people struggle with how to assist a friend in an abusive relationship. Clinical Director Laura Fernandez shares how you can help.

Domestic violence happens to 1 in 4 women in the United States, and abuse can affect anyone, regardless of age, race, gender, orientation, faith or class.

But because we rarely speak about domestic violence, many people struggle with how help when they suspect a friend is in an abusive relationship. We spoke with Laura Fernandez, Sanctuary’s Clinical Director, who shares some suggestions for how you can assist a friend facing domestic violence. Laura says:

1) Be a non-judgmental listener. It’s tempting to wonder “Why does she stay with him? Why is she letting him do that?” But if you want your friend to feel comfortable approaching you for advice, it’s important that you listen to her story, and avoid being judgmental of her decisions. If she feels judged or embarrassed, she may hesitate to return to you for help.

2) Ask what you can do. Don’t assume that your friend needs help or needs you to take certain actions. Asking him how you can help is the most effective way to ensure you really are meeting his needs.

3) Validate that the abuse is wrong. Not every form of abuse involves physical violence, and your friend might not be sure that her partner’s behavior is abusive. If your friend’s partner is exhibiting behavior that raises red flags, confirm for her that those actions are not a part of a healthy relationship.

4) Share information. Victims of domestic violence are often isolated by abusers and can’t get important safety information, or aren’t aware that resources are available. Compile a list of hotline numbers and community resources, show your friend the Power and Control Wheel, or look up how to make a Safety Plan. Arm your friend with resources so that when he is ready to leave, he can.

5) Let your friend feel in control. Abuse is all about the dynamic of power and control that an abuser holds over a victim. Your friend may already be feeling powerless in her situation – don’t exacerbate that feeling by telling her what to do. Empower her to make the best decisions for herself.

6) Offer to be there. Your friend may need to go to court to file an Order of Protection, or may decide to visit a Family Justice Center to get help. These steps can be difficult and even scary for someone trying to get out of an abusive relationship. Offer to accompany your friend to these important meetings – having someone he trusts nearby may make all the difference.

7) If you see something, say something. You may notice your friend has a black eye, bruises on her arms, or other physical injury – don’t stay silent. It’s important to ask her what happened (in a calm and non-judgmental manner), check that everything is ok, and show that you care.

8) Provide a safe space for belongings. If your friend is at risk of injury or thinking about leaving soon, offer to store important documents, a bag of clothes, and other necessities in your home so he can easily access when he leaves.

9) Never say “I told you so.” Studies show that the average survivor of abuse tries to leave seven times. Your friend may leave, and return, and it may happen more than once. This can be incredibly frustrating to witness, but it is important not to express that frustration to your friend. Provide her with support so that she can get out and stay out when she is ready.

10) Take care of yourself. It’s not easy to see a friend or loved one experience abuse – it can be frustrating and deeply saddening. Because of that, it is important to take care of yourself when assisting a friend in an abusive relationship. Even when it seems like your efforts aren’t making a difference, know that just the act of listening and being a friend is an important – and potentially lifesaving – intervention.

Running a Marathon to Make the World Safe for Girls

Josephine Ngong-Tawe

Josephine shares why she is training and fundraising as a member of Sanctuary’s marathon team: to make the world a safe place for girls, everywhere.

My name is Josephine Ngong-Tawe and I am from Cameroon, Africa. I have lived in the US for 20 years. I am an optometrist by profession and I own FRANKLIN FAMILY EYECARE in Somerset, NJ. In my “free time,” I am a wife to Wilson and mother to my 3 beautiful kids: Tawe, Eka and Beri.

On Sunday, November 1st, I will run 26.1 miles through the streets of New York City as a member of Sanctuary’s TCS NYC Marathon team. I have spent the past months raising money and training for this run of a lifetime.

I heard about Sanctuary through my good friend Margaret Ngunang. She is a clinical social worker at Sanctuary’s Sarah Burke House shelter. She introduced me to Sanctuary when she found out I wanted to run the NYC Marathon. And why not run for this worthwhile cause?

A few weeks before joining Sanctuary’s team, I listened to an audio of young girls from my home country of Cameroon who were employed in Kuwait. These young ladies narrated a bone chilling story of finding themselves as unpaid servants, sex slaves and literal prisoners in Kuwaiti households. Their passports confiscated, they were in a foreign country with no knowledge of the language and no means to communicate with the outside world.

One told a story of watching a young lady shot dead by the mistress of the household because she tried to escape. They told about hundreds of young ladies from Africa and south East Asia who have been lured to these countries in the hope of getting jobs with decent salaries to help their families, but instead have found themselves in a situation worse than they could have imagined.

In the same week, I found out that one of my young patients was raped on her college campus. Another young lady I work with has a scar on her neck from a knife wound from an ex-boyfriend; an acquaintance was stabbed to death by her fiancée. The stories go on…

I am moved to run in support of Sanctuary for Families, because I believe their mission looks at the complete picture through advocacy, outreach, children’s services, legal and economic empowerment and shelter for those displaced.

My goal as a member of Sanctuary’s charity team is to raise $3,000 in support of their work with survivors, and I am hoping to make it to this goal in these last 2 weeks before the race.

The more we do, the more awareness we bring to the plight of many who live through this every day. We are all only a few degrees removed from someone who is going through or has gone through this situation.

Ultimately, if even one child’s future plight can be completely reversed through Sanctuary’s services, I will consider my running all these hundreds of miles since July worthwhile.

You can support Josephine and her race for Sanctuary! Donate today.

Empowering Teens to Break the Cycle of Domestic Violence (part 2)

Andrea Yeriazarian

It’s not easy being 17. At Sanctuary, we’re working to help teens navigate negative messages and achieve healthy relationships.

This is the second part of a two-part interview. Read part one.

At Sanctuary, I have the opportunity to work with teens like Lena to counteract messages about unhealthy relationships and “break the cycle” of domestic violence.

The Children and Youth Services Program staff offer a range of services specifically designed to meet the needs of teens – from individual counseling, to educational support, leadership workshops, and even a comprehensive Afterschool Enrichment Program that operates three days per week.

During counseling sessions with Lena, we spent a lot of time talking about what kind of things she would want in a relationship, what she felt she needed from a supportive partner. We talked about different aspects of the unhealthy and abusive relationship she had witnessed between her parents, and what the alternatives were for a healthy relationship.

I never tell a teen I’m working with what to do – that doesn’t work. I want teens to really think about these things on their own, with my help, so that they can figure out what they want in their lives and what they want out of a loving relationship.

I help them understand that because they saw violence growing up doesn’t necessarily mean it is normal or okay, but instead that there are all different ways to have a relationship and to communicate effectively what you want and how you feel.

The biggest challenge I face is working with teens families who have so many competing needs. Most of the families I work with have really concrete issues that need to be addressed, due to financial struggles, and due to systems that continue to oppress the teen and their family (including the public benefits system, education system, court system, or just racism/classism/sexism in general).

When my clients are returning to chaotic and violent neighborhoods and homes, it’s hard to help them focus during a counseling session on discussing their feelings.

That said, working with teens is amazing. I’ve worked with teens and young people from 12-25 years of age from all over the world and various educational, socio-economic, religious, and ethnic/racial backgrounds and I have learned something from all of them.

One thing I’ve learned, is that teens can tell when you’re being fake or just trying to placate them – if you’re honest with them, they will be honest with you. It’s a great feeling to get to know a teen, have them share things with you about their lives, and then help them figure out what they want for themselves and how to achieve it.

For Lena, talking through practical examples of healthy versus not healthy relationships was huge. She started thinking that healthy relationships were impossible, but eventually saw they were possible and that she deserved to have healthy relationships in the future.

The power of providing services to teens is that I can intervene at a really critical time in a teen’s life, and empower a teen like Lena to create a really different, healthy and fulfilling future for herself.

Andrea Yeriazarian has been working with kids and teens since she became a social worker 11 years ago. Andrea has spent 9 of those years with Sanctuary’s Children’s and Youth Services Program, and has been a leader in shaping the agency’s services for teens.

View all of our Domestic Violence Awareness Month blog posts and awareness-raising efforts!

Empowering Teens to Break the Cycle of Domestic Violence (part 1)

Andrea Yeriazarian

It’s hard enough being a teen. So what happens when teens face domestic violence?

Lena was just 17 when she came to Sanctuary for counseling. For years she’d witnessed her father abuse her mother – physically, verbally, emotionally and economically – and at times Lena herself was the target of his attacks.

Teens are deeply impacted by witnessing any sort of violence between their parents. It’s normal for teens to be focused on developing their identity, figuring out who they are, and asserting some sort of independence. When there is violence in the home, these normal developmental tasks are impacted and even sidetracked.

The way that we as individuals learn about life and how to act in life, and what behavior is appropriate, is through our family. We learn from watching our parents – how they take care of us, how they interact with each other, how they interact with the world. When the only examples you’ve been given are of violence, it’s really hard for teens to understand that an abusive and controlling relationship isn’t normal – that love doesn’t have to include violence.

Lena faced these struggles. She knew she did not want to be in an abusive relationship, but she was also convinced that any relationship she tried to enter with a boyfriend would turn abusive. She had a hard time believing that healthy relationships were real or possible, and struggled to identify any healthy relationships she knew of at all.

Of course, feelings like these are abetted by pressures from peers and messages from society. If you think back to when you were a teen, did you seek advice from adults or other teens? Most likely, you talked to your friends about your relationships, not your parents. Which is totally normal.

The thing is, teens don’t always have the most accurate or healthy information to pass along to their peers. In our world today, there exists so much violence and so many examples of unhealthy relationships that people start to believe these relationships are normal. Combine this with an abusive household, and the results can be disastrous for a teen who’s just trying to figure things out.

Teens in violent homes may be forced to act “parentified” – as an adult, instead of a teen, taking on the responsibility of protecting the abused parent and younger siblings while trying to keep the household running. Some teens will leave altogether and engaging in risk-taking behaviors: skipping school, substance use, and participating in gangs as a way of finding support. Needless to say, school often suffers and it’s nearly impossible to set goals for the future.

This post is Part 1 of a 2-part series about teens and domestic violence- read Part 2.

Andrea Yeriazarian has been working with kids and teens since she became a social worker 11 years ago. Andrea has spent 9 of those years with Sanctuary’s Children’s and Youth Services Program, and has been a leader in shaping the agency’s services for teens.  

 View all of our Domestic Violence Awareness Month blog series, and find out how you can speak up.